Two worlds

Jan 27

For as long as i remember i’ve been caught between two worlds of some sort.the main battle thats i was put into was the the fact that i was native and made to live in a white mans world.i never knew of were i came from when i was younger till people started to put me down and treat me differently.i never seen the difference in my skin colour when i was a kid,but others had to always remind me of it.when i was a kid all i wanted for people to do was just to leave me alone and let me live and deal with what i was going through.i had no such luck i was forced to deal with what i was put into and then i had to deal with the other crap that others were dropping on me.i never had a childhood and never had the innocence of one.so after a time i fought back and i fought back with a fierce vengence to everyone and eveything.i thought that if everyone was going to walk over me that they’d atleast have to trip over me while they did this.i was called a bully and other things but nobody ever asked me why i did this actions…?so as the time came and went i continued to keep on fueled by my anger and rage.this lead me into a life were i was not only accepted but looked up upon in the criminal life style.still yet i knew i didnt fit into this lifestyle since i knew i wasn’t doing what i was doing to look cool or such but i was doing it to survive and to live.somewhere i lost myself and thats something that’ll i always have to deal with.i had but one person who seen that i didn’t fit in were i was and that was the only family that i’ve ever had and that was my brother farrell.he too was forced into a lifestyle of drugs and addictions when i knew he wasn’t and couldnt fit into the criminal lifestyle.with me i fought my whole life and with him he was a caring and loving person that his own family turned their back on.mind you his family was the same family that adopted me but the one thing that was between us was that it was his blood family that did what they did to him and to me all they were to me was just a word.i tried my best to watch his back from afar and deal with his debts and such till i screwed up and he found out about what i was doing.he surprised me and felt guilty to the lifestyle that i was leading and i just didn’t care for all i thought was he was my only family and if i had to take on the sins than so be it cause he was the only family i had and i wasn’t going to let him be taken down by others like i was.when he passed away i lost the only good thing that i had and went father down in a life of darkness.it wasnt for some years that when i lost my dog and i came back to edmonton that i started to see that i didnt belong where i was.i started to investigate about my past and question it.i found out that i was screwed,lied too and just plain lost.i started to do what i knew and that was to fight for the truth and i knew that by doing that that i was in for the fight of my life and i knew that i’d once again be fighting on my own.for the last years thats what i’ve been doing without any hesitation to get to the truth.so called family have turned their backs on me but that didnt stop me.the last feww years have been bad on me but i never gave up but i could feel that i was starting to lose it,till from out of the blue i got some new inspration and from someone i wasnt exspecting or knew.that person was a film maker named rosie and german person that didnt even come from this country….which made me look at white people in a total different way.with this new found vision i found new energy to keep fighting and i’ve been doing it ever since.with the the fact that rosie was a film maker i had to see different films in my culture and i seen differnet veiws of my culture and this now has given me a new found strenght in my fight cause even thought i might be alone i know that i’m not in spirit.